Good Nutrition Equals Great Writing?

I love theories. I mean, you can come up with the craziest, most witless piece of

crackpotty-ness and never suffer any consequences. It’s the mental form of sudden constipation relief, climaxing in an intense steaming pile of vacuous thought.

This observation brings me to a conversation I had recently with my friend and mentor, Eddie Salinski (celebrated author and welder).  Now, Eddie is always theorizing. But unlike the mindless theories touted in the media every day, Eddie’s stuff merits our real attention and respect.

Case in point: Eddie insists our creative writing powers wax and wane with our nutritional intake.  In other words, if quality goes in, quality comes out. He credits his carefully-maintained personal nutrition program with his mind-boggling success in the literary marketplace.

So, with that in mind, let’s examine key maxims that buttress the foundation of Mr. Salinski’s Dietary Theory for Writers:

No. 1—Sugar is good.  Eddie loves sugar.  He has discovered his writings are more earthy and edgy after he’s consumed daily quantities of sugary foods. But he’s very particular about product preferences:  Twinkies—excellent. Ho-Ho’s—beyond reproach.

Suzy Q’s—always beneficial. Hostess snowballs—can’t be beat.

No.2—Milk is bad.  Instead, Eddie prefers hourly doses of caffeine (strong, black, sugary) to give his work a certain perkiness that his readers expect from him.

No. 3—Leafy greens and veggies are for bunnies.  Eddie says they give him a false sense of health that is detrimental to his writing.

No. 4—Booze in any form.  Always a plus, especially when imbibed before a Ho-Ho breakfast in the morning.  Eddie’s strict regimen of boiler-makers (beer mixed with whiskey) keeps him buoyant and alert, imbued with that special patina of cockiness we’ve come to expect in his writings.

No. 5—Red meat, fish, poultry.  Eddie says eating bits of animal corpse in any form is bad for a writer’s bowels.

No. 6—Snacks.  Eddie leans toward Snickers, claiming they contain a scientific compound of essential ingredients that can sustain all known life species.

Those are the basics.  Of course, Eddie admits his nutrition theory may not work for everyone. But it works for him and who can argue with success?

Like I said up front: Eddie’s advice has never led me astray. Of course, there’s always a first time.

Best Time to Write? Eddie Says Break the Rules.

“Any time is the best time for writing.” 

So Eddie proclaimed one Sunday when I found him at home in his trailer. I had brought up the subject of creative timing after I developed a profound case of writers’ block. It was only natural that I seek advice from Mr. Salinski—celebrated writer and welder and, more important, my close friend.

Eddie was busy giving his pet raccoon, Petey, a bath in an old galvanized wash basin. The poor little beastie looked at me with his sad burglar-in-the-night eyes, as if imploring me to free him from the realm of soapy water and let him return to his usual resting place atop his master’s bed.

eWorld and eGads!

Eddie’s Take on Technology

by Robert J. Wetherall

Despite its pervasiveness in our lives, the little E is still in its infancy. In twenty years, we’ll wonder how we put up with such a complicated, unpredictable, frustrating amalgam of computers and clouds as the Internet exists today.

My good friend, Eddie Salinski, celebrated writer and welder, weighed in on this very subject while picking dandelion greens near his trailer last weekend.

As Eddie put it, “Think of the Internet and its trimmings as a wee little baby. Cute and cuddly as all get out, but blessed with all kinds of baby-baggage: Smiling at you one moment and then burping and spitting up the next.  Lulling you with that adorable baby Winston Churchill smile, before you discover it’s just passing gas.  That’s the eWorld in a nutshell.”

“It’s just beginning to crawl,” Eddie said. “And we’re still naively intrigued with the newness of it all—and, horror of horrors, we don’t want to be left behind. So we’re texting, twitting, posting, poking, liking and blogging like crazy.  And making sure that we’re grabbing our share of space on a zillion sites that immerse us in whole universes full of information and nonsense.”

Eddie paused to swat at a horsefly the size of a Kindle that was circling his thin gawky neck.

“Now, don’t get me wrong: I think all this eCommotion is great,” he continued. “I do all of my writing on a laptop these days, but sometimes I miss the simplicity of pencil and yellow legal pad, or my old Remington and white-out. Things were slower then and it seems I had more time to actually Think about what I was writing, rather than just slamming it into the magic box.

He grabbed a swatch of greens and put them into a kettle.

“But I think I’m maturing a bit, too.”

“How so?”

“I’m cutting down on my eStuff a bit:  First off, I quit Facebook and Twitter. That saves me a ton of time better spent writing or just laying on my backside and smelling the flowers.  I’m not texting any more, either. I mean, who cares that I ran out of vanilla while mixing up a cake this morning?  All those giddy gadgets work for some folks—but as for me, they have a strictly limited place in my little world.”

Eddie picked up his kettle of greens and headed for his trailer. “Join me for chow?” he asked as I followed at his heels.  “I’ve got a big chunk of ham and some spuds to go along with these greens.”

“So you’re not tossing out your laptop?” I asked as we entered his modest dwelling.

“Not on your life,” Eddie said.  “The Little E has its place. I’m just going to enjoy it in a bit more moderation.  When it’s all grown up, I might jump in a bit deeper.”

As I drove home later, I pondered Eddie’s words.  My stomach happily rumbled with the remains of dinner and I made myself a promise:  Eddie’s birthday is just a few months off. When the great day, arrives, I’m going to present him with a new iPad.

Eddie--The People's Choice?

By Robert J. Wetherall

What’s more fun than watching a bunch of public servants sitting around a big oak table, scratching their collective heads and searching for ways to prevent constituents from pestering them about things like housing, education, taxes, infrastructure, safety, etc?

Yes, I’m pretty negative on the subject, much to the dismay of my friend and mentor, Eddie Salinski, who, as a celebrated writer and welder, is also an old hand at politics.

“You’ve got to look at things from the perspective of the office holder,” Eddie told me one day while I was helping him tow his rusty Chevy Suburban out of the swamp behind his trailer.

Eddie's Marriage Close Call.

By Robert J. Wetherall

Most writers require at least a modicum of support from friends and family to help fill the potholes littering their road to fame.  I figured this would also be the case with Eddie Salinski, celebrated writer and welder who happens to be a close personal friend of mine.

But turns out I figured wrong: Eddie has forged his way to success mostly on his own, without nods of approval and accolades from others.

I found this out while Eddie and I were having quiche at a nearby Denny’s a few weeks ago.

I asked him why he never married.

“Almost did a while back,” he said.  “But fate came to my rescue.”

Al Qaeda declares Fatwa on "In the Hole" Idiots

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From The Eddie Salinski News Bureau:

In a surprise pro-Western goodwill gesture, Al Qaeda and its Taliban subsidiaries have announced plans to forge a Jihad against all those drunken goofballs who yell “In the Hole” every time a golf pro strikes a ball during tournament play.

“These besotted fools have no shame and must be dispatched to the Land of the Virgins by any means,” declared an Al Qaeda spokesman, who said the group decided to take action after learning that many Americans believed the “In the Hole” idiots were actually Taliban insurgents employing a new psychological terror tool.

As every golf fan knows, U.S. tournaments have been plagued and disrupted by slack-jawed imbeciles who have to scream “In the Hole” after every golfers’ swing. This has disrupted play on many occasions and has understandably led to rampant bloodshed in many instances. 

“We will track down these misguided devils without mercy,” declared the spokesman.

Al Qaeda Bakery IPO

By Robert J. Wetherall

Al Qaeda Worldwide and its Taliban subsidiary have launched plans for an Initial Public Offering to raise operating capital for its new chain of bakeries: Talibuns.

Company spokesmen stated that company bakers have succeeded in developing a shelf-stable pastry that will appeal to the taste of western infidels.

They described Talibuns as single serving pastries served warm, dripping with butter and white frosting.  Along with the iconic pastries, Talibun outlets will also offer a line of complimentary snacks and beverages, including Americano coffee, camphor, and betel juice.

Al Qaeda Bakery Ltd’s U.S. distributor, Corky Carruthers, said the Al Qaeda entrance into the Western fast-snack market is further evidence of a subtle change in Al Qaeda’s quest to win over the hearts of Americans.

Mass beheadings, live burials and acid-dipping will also play a role in the company’s western marketing plans.