I love theories. I mean, you can come up with the craziest, most witless piece of
crackpotty-ness and never suffer any consequences. It’s the mental form of sudden constipation relief, climaxing in an intense steaming pile of vacuous thought.
This observation brings me to a conversation I had recently with my friend and mentor, Eddie Salinski (celebrated author and welder). Now, Eddie is always theorizing. But unlike the mindless theories touted in the media every day, Eddie’s stuff merits our real attention and respect.
Case in point: Eddie insists our creative writing powers wax and wane with our nutritional intake. In other words, if quality goes in, quality comes out. He credits his carefully-maintained personal nutrition program with his mind-boggling success in the literary marketplace.
So, with that in mind, let’s examine key maxims that buttress the foundation of Mr. Salinski’s Dietary Theory for Writers:
No. 1—Sugar is good. Eddie loves sugar. He has discovered his writings are more earthy and edgy after he’s consumed daily quantities of sugary foods. But he’s very particular about product preferences: Twinkies—excellent. Ho-Ho’s—beyond reproach.
Suzy Q’s—always beneficial. Hostess snowballs—can’t be beat.
No.2—Milk is bad. Instead, Eddie prefers hourly doses of caffeine (strong, black, sugary) to give his work a certain perkiness that his readers expect from him.
No. 3—Leafy greens and veggies are for bunnies. Eddie says they give him a false sense of health that is detrimental to his writing.
No. 4—Booze in any form. Always a plus, especially when imbibed before a Ho-Ho breakfast in the morning. Eddie’s strict regimen of boiler-makers (beer mixed with whiskey) keeps him buoyant and alert, imbued with that special patina of cockiness we’ve come to expect in his writings.
No. 5—Red meat, fish, poultry. Eddie says eating bits of animal corpse in any form is bad for a writer’s bowels.
No. 6—Snacks. Eddie leans toward Snickers, claiming they contain a scientific compound of essential ingredients that can sustain all known life species.
Those are the basics. Of course, Eddie admits his nutrition theory may not work for everyone. But it works for him and who can argue with success?
Like I said up front: Eddie’s advice has never led me astray. Of course, there’s always a first time.