Eddie's Marriage Close Call.

By Robert J. Wetherall

Most writers require at least a modicum of support from friends and family to help fill the potholes littering their road to fame.  I figured this would also be the case with Eddie Salinski, celebrated writer and welder who happens to be a close personal friend of mine.

But turns out I figured wrong: Eddie has forged his way to success mostly on his own, without nods of approval and accolades from others.

I found this out while Eddie and I were having quiche at a nearby Denny’s a few weeks ago.

I asked him why he never married.

“Almost did a while back,” he said.  “But fate came to my rescue.”

Al Qaeda declares Fatwa on "In the Hole" Idiots

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From The Eddie Salinski News Bureau:

In a surprise pro-Western goodwill gesture, Al Qaeda and its Taliban subsidiaries have announced plans to forge a Jihad against all those drunken goofballs who yell “In the Hole” every time a golf pro strikes a ball during tournament play.

“These besotted fools have no shame and must be dispatched to the Land of the Virgins by any means,” declared an Al Qaeda spokesman, who said the group decided to take action after learning that many Americans believed the “In the Hole” idiots were actually Taliban insurgents employing a new psychological terror tool.

As every golf fan knows, U.S. tournaments have been plagued and disrupted by slack-jawed imbeciles who have to scream “In the Hole” after every golfers’ swing. This has disrupted play on many occasions and has understandably led to rampant bloodshed in many instances. 

“We will track down these misguided devils without mercy,” declared the spokesman.

Al Qaeda Bakery IPO

By Robert J. Wetherall

Al Qaeda Worldwide and its Taliban subsidiary have launched plans for an Initial Public Offering to raise operating capital for its new chain of bakeries: Talibuns.

Company spokesmen stated that company bakers have succeeded in developing a shelf-stable pastry that will appeal to the taste of western infidels.

They described Talibuns as single serving pastries served warm, dripping with butter and white frosting.  Along with the iconic pastries, Talibun outlets will also offer a line of complimentary snacks and beverages, including Americano coffee, camphor, and betel juice.

Al Qaeda Bakery Ltd’s U.S. distributor, Corky Carruthers, said the Al Qaeda entrance into the Western fast-snack market is further evidence of a subtle change in Al Qaeda’s quest to win over the hearts of Americans.

Mass beheadings, live burials and acid-dipping will also play a role in the company’s western marketing plans.

Writing and Weight Loss

By Robert J. Wetherall

Watch those excess pounds simply fall away with every well-turned phrase and polished sentence!

Yes, it’s unbelievable but true, my good and loyal followers:  Those among you who write well are also destined to magically maintain your proper weight and inevitably take on the appearance of Adonis. 

But do the rest of us have to face life looking like overfed circus bears? No. Because it turns out, lousy writers can experience beneficial weight loss as well.

Lost Art of Editor Worship

by Robert J. Wetherall

As a writer, you know you’re in deep doo-doo when you get a note from your editor inquiring, “What have you been smoking?”

Of course, you can take this a couple of ways:  First, you can assume the question is posed by a person vitally interested in your personal habits. Or, second, you can view the inquiry as a veiled warning that your writing is approaching a dangerous precipice:  That jumping-off point dividing the hilarious from the hullucinatory.

Now, my editor at Penumbra Publishing, whose initials are Pat Morrison, is a kind, insightful professional who deserves excellent marks as she goes about her 24-7 mission of  inspiring her unruly flock of writers  to perform at their highest levels of excellence.

Mating Season For Writers Begins

By Robert J. Wetherall

“Geez,” says my good friend, Eddie Salinski,” I almost forgot. The mating season for writers starts next week.”

“What in Sam Hell are you talking about?” 

“It's a concept I developed several years ago: Writers begin mating in June each year.  Their genre doesn’t matter, either. Whether they’re creators of fiction, non-fiction or whatever, they all lay eggs.  These eggs hatch in around 21 days, providing of course that a caring agent has been sitting on them.”