Literary Agents: Are They Human?

By Robert J. Wetherall

Now before you jump all over and start tearing me into itty-bitty pieces, let me explain:

A lot of writers have it in their noggins that literary agents, by and large, belong to some loathsome lower species, like folks in congress, roofing/siding salesmen, and TV evangelists.  And that they are greedy, lazy and about as useful as blood-sucking ticks on an old hound dog.

I myself went along with this thinking until my friend and mentor, Eddie Salinski (celebrated writer and welder) set me straight.

“Think of agents as victims,” Eddie said. “Forced to charge a substantial sums to evaluate (and sometimes even read) schlock from dawn to dusk. Wheedling money from expectant but unrealistic rabble for supplies, postage, paper and what-not.  Pleading with these sheep to chip in money for agents’ trips to writers conferences in god-forsaken backwaters like Bali and Monte Carlo.  And even demanding ad nauseum for agents to find time to pitch their work to publishers.”

“And calling agents heartless is really unfair,” said Eddie, wiping a tear from his cheek. “Some of my most memorable rejections have come from agents whom I know suffered great emotional stress from having to toss my work into the garbage.”

Eddie waved a bunch of faded letters in my face. I began scanning their contents, which oozed care and consideration.

Some brief tidbits:

“Your work is well-typed and your envelopes are well-stamped.”

“Your work makes me retch. Kindly send Tums with future submissions.”

“Send more cash for miscellaneous expenditures.”

“I will represent you when the Ice Age Cometh.”

“Your story is filled with characters that are well drawn and quartered.”

“I strongly recommend begging as an alternate career path.”

Eddie snatched the letters from me. “You can tell these folks felt really bad because my stuff wasn’t exactly up to snuff back then. They always treated me with the utmost courtesy and respect.”

“Yes, that’s obvious,” I heartily agreed.

So readers, you can see that there is definitely a real possibility that literary agents may indeed be part of the human family.

And in case this is true, I’m going to consider treating them with respect.